Dopamine

I can actually feel myself chasing it. I feel the drug released in my brain when I’m getting way too drunk and smoking. I could feel it when I was sipping on whiskey first thing in the morning despite my hangover the other day. I can feel my brain rewarding me for overdoing it. And I am worried.

I keep repeating to myself this dumb mantra from that, it turns out, comes from one of those obnoxious inspirational posters, the kind of thing that gets chopped up and redistributed on social media by total airheads that are always so ready to get their lives together, any minute now. It says:

“If you’re looking for the love of your life, stop. They will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.”

I realized over the weekend that my ex-girlfriend is probably an alcoholic. I am beginning to be concerned that I am, too, because I can feel the hungry ghost inside me whenever I try to kick all the chemicals I put in my body. I’ve never had a problem with any other drugs besides nicotine, and I have experienced real, destructive alcoholism, so I know enough to know that’s not a real problem for me.

But I feel like it could become one, easily.

I may just be saying this because I easily could have been killed two different times last night and I embarrassed myself. Maybe also because I, like all of those wishy-washy motherfuckers that post dumb inspirational bullshit on social media, feel a serious need to “turn my life around”.

I keep saying “today could be the day”. I could stop hurting myself and start the healing my body and soul desperately need. I could read more, learn the things I want to learn, and start surrounding myself with people other than dumb troublemakers.

I want to create and learn and I want to be prolific instead of wasting all my goddamn time. I have wanted this for as long as I can remember wanting things.

This is not a conclusion.

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