If I try to do a complete dump of how and why I feel the way I do I’d be here forever.
The long and the short of it is that I feel trapped, because I’m 23 and I didn’t go to an elite college. People who matter will never take me seriously. I have to set my sights lower now. I spent six years getting a useless degree from a mediocre college and I’m pretty sure I’m now destined for a mediocre life, no matter what I do.
And all of this makes me want to just blow my brains out, because to me, death is better than living with mediocrity.
This feeling has been with me for over a year now. It rarely goes away for long.
I am probably not an exception, and when I die the world will probably be the same stupid place it was when I was born, with at least as much injustice and oppression, no closer to avoiding the annihilation of the human race, or at least human society, that seems to come closer and closer every day.
And I went to community colleges or commuter school, where we didn’t even have a club or something with kids who sat around wondering how to fix the various holes in the world, and if there was any kind of “social justice” orientation on campus, it was braindead and institutionalized to the point of irrelevance.
So what am I living for exactly? It’s a lot of goddamned work for nothing but inevitable ruin, unless you happen to be insulated by privilege. And I’m not.
Living with the weight of this anxiety and the likelihood that I’m not going to change the world is worse, in my opinion, than not living at all. Shouting into a void with no possibility of making an impact is draining, and the morning news, the place where I decided to make my career, only makes things worse.
This isn’t the news’s fault. Terrible things are happening all around the world, and evil, venal people are running the show. The people who write the news can’t help that.